Dirty Fly

It was the spring of 2009. Destitute and alone, I sat in my apartment on the verge of a nervous breakdown, my life turned upside down from decades of alcohol and drug abuse. My personal and business connections frayed from years of lies and deceit. All meaningful relationships had disappeared. Only the people connected by blood, or love, remained. Never was it my intent to harm anyone, but substance abuse had become my first love and I would protect her at all costs. After several failed attempts at getting sober, my life began to spiral out of control. It was a strange feeling to watch everything unravel and yet feel helpless to stop it. I knew I didn’t want this. 

 

It all changed one early morning with a phone call. I don’t remember the date or time because my memory was foggy, but I will never forget what happened next. I answered the phone and the voice on the other end was familiar, yet distant.  I feared we might be heading into a painful space. “Do you have some time to talk today? Can we meet in the park?” It was my younger brother, who at the time was living roughly ten blocks from me in midtown Manhattan. I rarely saw or spoke to him and when we did see each other it was usually to watch Giants games or to go out drinking. I remember thinking how strange it was for him to be calling, especially at this hour and I was nervous. I didn’t ask him what he wanted to talk about because deep down I already knew. Looking back on it now, I believe that in that moment I was relieved. I desperately needed a relief valve. I could feel the pressure building and I was scared of where it might lead. We had a long talk that morning, the specifics of which are personal, but what was truly life changing was a little brother’s unconditional love and how that affected my soul. I remember walking out of that park thinking enough is enough, I’m done. 

 

The next several months were difficult, as I chose to check myself into an in-inpatient facility for addictions, and began the journey of building myself back brick by brick. Finding activities that I was passionate about became an instrumental piece of the process. I have always loved the outdoors, and fly fishing, in particular, had already been a big part of my life for as long as I can remember. Both my father and grandfather were passionate about the sport in a way that their wives would probably describe as deranged. I had been fly fishing since I was ten years old but never really understood its true essence. To me fishing had always been a competition. Who could catch the most or the biggest fish. What I now know, is that fly fishing is a meditation on life and a way to deeply connect with nature and that helped rescue me once I got the message.

 

The last ten years of fly fishing has taken on a completely different purpose for me. It has become my passion and my therapist, and a place where I go to calm my mind. I have been sober for over ten years. I have a beautiful wife, who remained by my side when I was lost, and two children that I love more than anything. My relationships with family and friends have never been stronger and I am certain that without fly fishing to help me navigate this difficult journey, I never would have made it this far. 

 

I tell this story, not to pat myself on the back, or talk about triumph over addiction, but in the hopes that my story can offer hope and inspiration to anyone out there who might be struggling. For me, Dirty Fly is more than a typical fly fishing website. It is the next chapter in my life’s journey. I welcome anyone who wants to join me in creating a resource for fly fisherman to, not only provide insights and inspiration, but connect with one another and share in the sport we all love so much.

 

Stay safe,

 

Dirty Fly